When a pet dies: how to tell and help a child

What to say, by age

These follow the American Academy of Pediatrics:

• Ages 1 to 3: children struggle to understand death. They may ask again and again where the pet is, or seem unaffected. That doesn't mean they don't care. Repeat the same simple, true answer.
• Ages 3 to 5: younger preschoolers often find death hard to grasp, and older ones begin to understand it more. Keep words short and true.
• Ages 5 to 12: children understand death much better. If the pet is dying of age or illness, use the time to prepare them.
• Teens: they can grasp the idea of death, but their grief can look very different from child to child.

Some words you can use

"Pepper died. That means her body stopped working and she can't come back. It isn't anybody's fault. It's okay to be sad. I'm sad too."

Helping

• Share your own sadness. Children may show grief as anger, and feelings can come and go (AAP).
• Be ready for questions, and if they don't ask, follow their lead (AAP).
• Make a small memorial: a collage, planting a tree, or a memory book (AAP).
• Tell the teacher. Tufts says a child's teacher or daycare can be told (Tufts).
• Read together. Peabody keeps a list of books about losing a pet, by age.
• A new pet later: the AAP says it can ease grief if you present it as a new experience, not a replacement.

When a pet is dying

The AAP says to be honest, in age-appropriate words, about a pet who is terminally ill, to enjoy the time that is left, and to answer questions. That helps children say goodbye and avoids a sudden shock. Your vet can answer your questions about the pet's comfort and what to expect.

When a child needs more help

There is no set timeline for grief. The AAP lists signs a child may need extra help: trouble at home or school months later, constant preoccupation with the pet, risky or acting-out behavior, or deep, lasting sadness. Talk to your pediatrician. The AAP says if you suspect suicidal thoughts, call or text 988 right away.